A few people will be sad—some of the tiny proportion of people who were aware you were even alive—but beyond that the ripples will disappear into the pond pretty quickly. Just sit there, and really look at it go. The people, the wind, the clouds, carrying on forever. With or without you. After just a minute or two of this kind of uninvolved observation, it becomes clear that your story was never an essential part of the whole world. It was merely incidental, even if it was pretty interesting.
Oddly, this is a great relief. The world can, and eventually will, exist entirely without your story—without you there to ache for things to always be falling your way. This exercise is humbling in all the right ways. But it helps you get used to what that kind of freedom might be like. Then when you go back to being in the world normally, it might feel more exhilarating than difficult, and more interesting than alarming. You can let it be what it is, a lot of the time, while gently trying to make things go your way without ever quite needing them to.
In every moment you experience without that neediness, you are free. Unless you are a buddhist monk, the only way you will overcome your fear of something is by exposing yourself to it over and over until it becomes engrained in your subconscious that it is not dangerous. I became a teacher by accident when I was about No training, no preparing. An opportunity presented itself and I took it.
I stand there for the longest 3 minutes of my life, unsure of what to do. It was terrifying, for sure, that first class. The second one a little less so, but by the tenth I had my training wheels off. After that doing a presentation in front of a room filled with people that are actually sitting down and listening is a walk in the park.
Great article, David. I really needed to hear this today. Or get a discount? Or some other sort of prefential treatment? It really is an addiction. The internal narrative around our experience is riddled with grasping and addiction. It is the mind framing the experience in the abstract, mapping it onto the future and assessing its value. So it is constantly identifying things that need to be locked down, protected from, criticized, etc, which generates those continual feelings of neediness.
The exercise here is just a practice to notice for a few seconds what it might be like to experience the world without needing anything from it.
This is great point. Personally, I often lost myself in such narrative and forget about how we can change world by changing our mental modelling about it. Thank you, David. Always to the point valuable insights. Your simple exercise of imagining the world without your personal presence offers an opportunity to cut through at least some of that. Yeah, the problem with the echo chamber is that it operates unconsciously. This is great. I used to get anxious over public speaking and my face would turn red.
I chose a career where I mainly gave presentations in all sorts of settings. This post was also a great reminder for me to let things be. I had the gift of seeing my mother grow from a highly opinionated woman, to a softer, gentler soul as she grew old. What peace there is in letting things be. The presence and connection of the dying taught me much about how to live. It does make us uncomfortable, but reflecting on dying sure brings a ton of perspective to living.
I imagine that kind of reflection would be unavoidable as a hospice volunteer. For me, engaging in mindfulness and meditation became another standard by which I measure myself.
I can use my scalping blade to cut paper snowflakes instead. We all know it. Are we going to rage a war against all of the stupid? That seems like a hard life. Moreover, observing that someone is a mix of arrogance and insecurity is super-basic for a something. Big fucking deal. He himself was 1 insecure enough about the fact that you found his Old Guy Jokes cheesy that he had to turn around and 2 arrogantly call you uptight just to soothe his tiny little ego.
And who can blame him? Also, to be clear, I like yappy banter and bad jokes just fine. Letting him wriggle his way into your pants just by putting you down is no way forward. That is the path of the weak. That seemed intriguing, until I realized that he was farsighted as fuck.
They do exist! I will make sure you are never quite good enough, therefore I will serve as the ultimate distraction from the hell of your jittery self-consciousness and self-doubt. I know you like an adventure, but you will lose your fucking scalp. And I do think you need to practice letting go of control a little. Taking care of yourself is so important. Standing up for yourself is good.
You feel haunted by his words. That tells you something. So this is how you balance your magical, real, flawed self against a world of stupids who sometimes seem to want you to put your magic under a bushel: You ask yourself how it feels. How does it feel to leave your family vacations early? How does it feel to be a little less careful about your diet than you usually are?
Maybe I can handle more than I think I can. His complete inability to be led, to let go, to trust other people, to listen to a new plan, is adding panic attacks to an already trying situation. If you have a clear head and feel good you can take on more and will be less likely to stress or let little things bug you. If you only have a bit of time in the day but are getting run down, power naps of minutes are amazing rechargers.
Nature has a way of clearing our mind and calming our anxieties. A minute walk in nature significantly lowers stress levels and can be the difference between a good day and a grind. When you have a chance, interact with people who are relaxed and at ease with themselves and others. Look for people with a laid back sense of humor or who are spontaneous and fun. Let them take the lead and set the tone, and go along with it. We tend to become more like the people we spend time with.
If you want to loosen up more, it can be a good idea to spend time with people who are already at ease. You might second-guess that choice throughout the night and think about how you could have enjoyed a movie at home instead. However, that takes the joy away from the moment and causes unnecessary stress.
Exercise releases pent up energy and takes your mind off anxiety and worry. It will give you more energy later in the day and can clear your head of mind fog. It decreases stress hormones and makes you feel more calm and confident. That will build a routine and you will start to see the benefits both physically and mentally. Try exercising with a friend or do something you really enjoy like rock climbing or dance. Another benefit is you will look awesome! People train to do this and learn anatomy to understand how to bring us some relief.
Take advantage of all that knowledge and skill at least once a month, if you can afford it. Yoga can sound like nothing more than a trend to some but in essence, yoga is stretching and asking your mind to listen to your body.
It can make you feel relaxed and accomplished. Doing something like yoga, for you alone, can feel great. Dance can have many physical and mental health benefits. Dancing can improve our heart health, balance and coordination as well as muscle strength. It has also been shown to decrease anxiety and improve our well-being. There are also social benefits because dancing is often done in a group, friendships form. For couples or friends who dance together, there is an extra layer of bonding that connects them.
Dancing takes your mind off your daily stressors and immerses you in music and movement. It helps you enjoy life more and connects you to the people you dance with.
At its core, meditation is the art of being quiet and listening to our breath and then our thoughts, for a period of time. The goal is to be fully aware of our mind and body and be compassionate towards ourselves as we listen. It has little also to do with being organized and painstakingly meticulous. When it comes down to you, taking oneself too seriously really refers to control.
Thus, how tightly do you hold on to things around you? How flexible are you with changes? How comfortable are you with an unexpected turn of events? Finally, how willing are you to give up control?
How well you fare across these items will reveal how much of a control freak you are or not. It is said that the best things in life are free, happiness included. You should not have to jump through hoops to be happy. Thus, if happiness seems like a chore, a high that comes only after a tortuous process, something is definitely wrong. If you believe that, for some reason, laughing is offensive, you are definitely uptight. You generally think people should not be so carefree all the time.
In fact, if you cannot remember the last time you laughed, then perhaps you are guilty of this. Life is filled with twists and turns that it is almost inconceivable that you stay for a stretch without finding something humorous.
The problem, most likely, is you. Defensiveness is a red flag when it comes to determining if you are uptight.
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